She’ll leave me.

Friday, March 23, 2007

3:21:40 PM

Tarou-san… do you ever felt so useless and left behind?

I just know that one of my friends was accepted as exchanging student to Japan…

We used to be so close but when we got into Univ, we rarely see each other. She’s a very kind and caring person, so I sometimes felt that she cares so much about me but I never care much about her. Like I never know what she’s up to now, while she always knows anything about me and such… I’m just shocked that I’m actually a very selfish person. Because I have new close friends rite now, I think I just can’t divide my attention fairly so… now I’m feeling so sorry.

Yesterday suddenly I have a feeling to write a letter to her that I’m sorry about my selfishness… but I’m not writing it until now. Then suddenly the fact hit me like a brick. She’s going to go soon… I dunno when she’ll go, but going to Japan is so faraway ne?

And suddenly I felt alone. Not really alone, but everyone else has their goals, and I’m just still the same. I don’t know what I want to become. I thought about it, of course… but I don’t really have a fix goals. All still blur. Maybe I just played too much. I’m surprised that she’s flying so high without I even know about it and I’m just sitting here without doing anything.

I’m shocked and sad.

I have to do something now about my own life. I don’t want to be the one left behind… that’s for sure. I said congrats to her happily but I felt like crying…I dunno what to say if I met her, so maybe I just write her a letter to express my feeling….

Just now in my heart an answer came out.. I dunno whether it is true or not… but I think I want to be a writer… a nice job that will make everyone happy…. then next I want to be a travel guide. I want to see the world. But do I have the talent to be one? I’m not sure myself. I should’ve trained more but I just sit idly by. I wish I can turn back time now. Hhhhhhhh……..

But when I think again, it is useless to think so hard about what I want to become… maybe it’ll flow with time until I find what my true passion is… I just dunno… maybe I’ll just work on it, my writing skills and all…

I felt so sad and desperate now… but your voice made me better again… this is not good. I’m going to cling to you and your voice for the rest of my life… maybe ^^;

~Juwd~